So…you’re back for more, eh? Couldn’t keep away? Losing sleep? Don’t worry – we have you covered! Sit back, wait for the Stardock servers to complete the recalc, and enjoy…and we are pleased to introduce several new columnists to this edition!

[Picture: J-Lo gives Affleck the brush off. Theoden waits behind…trying to look cool]

Sources today reported movie star Ben Affleck was angrily accusing Theoden of Rohan of causing the breakdown of his relationship with fellow actor Jennifer Lopez.

"Hell, the guy flashes some fancy ring in her face and all of a sudden she's only got eyes for him!" Affleck snarled at this reporter. "I made $20 million on my last film - I can afford fancy jewellery too...but no, she wants this computer gamer...sheesh..."

For her part, Lopez was unrepentant. "I've always loved horses. I've always loved a good ride. And Theoden knows how to...ride...well..."

Theoden was unavailable for comment.

Mrs. Theoden commented a lot...but this is a family tabloid.

Aarberg the famous alien-conquering overlord of the European Empire has under gone emergency medical treatment in Switzerland. The self confessed admirer of ladies that ski in January made these comments:

"I mean who can compete with a blond, well trained, born-to-ski girl?"

"Again, my twisted mind...I like skiing and for some reason (don't ask me why) I think there is something extremely cool about girls that ski well."

Well it appears that Aarberg’s twisted mind has landed him in hot water. Reports from Gstaad police today confirmed that they were awaiting the release of Aarberg from hospital to question him about reports of lewd behaviour. They would not expand on that statement, but further investigation revealed that Aarberg indeed had been the one doing the revealing on the piste.

We managed to talk to a German tourist named Grunhilda who said "I don’t know what all the fuss is about, it wasn’t even as big as Liechtenstein…ha ha that’s funny, don’t you think, smaller than Liechtenstein…"

Apparently on the day in question the temperature was so cold that Aarberg’s member got a severe case of frostbite and surgeons are not sure at this stage whether or not they will be able to save the exposed appendage.

It is alleged Aarberg asked if a transplant was necessary and if so could they replace it with a ski pole.

You all know the Special Forces; that exclusive and some call exclusionary group of overlords currently headlining the Metaverse. In a bid to throw open the mystique behind this elite bunch of operative Galciv Confidential has been allowed in to have a look at the training methods employed by Wild "Iron Paw" Wombat.

Talking to the diminutive leader of the Special Forces he had this to say. "Now look, when you’ve had 18 offspring and probably more on the way - I say there are more on the way because Mrs. Wombat, well, she’s been a bit off lately if you know what I mean. Now the Marquesa is longer around, she doesn’t see any threat, so now its no more ‘hunt the burrow’ for the Iron Paw".. With that he got up and disappeared to the closest latrine where several unusual noises were heard. He was not seen for the rest of the day.

We were able to talk to the katana wielding Samurai Ben, who when approached said.. "I hope you are not going to say anything bad about us, because we’ve had this all before, so providing you are prepared to be polite, talk in words of more than three syllables and with perfect diction then I’m sure, and I think I speak for the rest of the group, excluding Harel of course, because he’s a different kettle of fish, not that you would want to put fish in a kettle in the first place." Samurai Ben then left to ponder this and assured us he would get back to us later during our visit. Unfortunately he was not seen for the rest of the week long visit to the training camp as he had become involved in a Realms Beyond succession game and was reading through the rules.

By chance we stumbled across the legend that is Killa Koala. Although small in stature this individual oozes class out of every pore or is that paw (ha ha ha GC joke.. ed). He was unavailable for comment as he was apparently unhappy with a particular shade of red Wild Wombat had gotten for his combat boots.

We had been there 2 days and as yet had not found out any information relating to the training of these highly regarded soldiers. We glimpsed a shadow here a rustle there but to no avail and then who should waddle past but the ever so suave Hurley with The Quack. It all made sense, the psychic duck knew where we were going to be and made sure everybody else wasn’t around when we turned up. When GC put this to Hurley, he chuckled "Toodle pip, was a bit of what? Tally ho, tomorrow morning we’ll show you what it’s really like".

The morning came and at 4.00 am we were awoken by bright lights, hooded and bundled into the back of a vehicle. After this, things became very strange, almost out of nowhere, what can only be described as an apparition appeared. Dressed in almost smoke like grey with piercing eyes we met Blacksmoke, who was joined by Monkson a few minutes later and told us what we would be witnessing today.

We were taken to see some new recruits being put through their paces. The recruits in question were Raj Whitehall, Nand1 and Goblin Cookie. We were told that the point of the exercise was the ability to maintain calm in extreme circumstances. Monkson explained "when you are only 17 overlords trying to stave off the might of the Fellowship, especially with that bastard Greldon cranking out games more efficiently than Mrs Wombat does offspring you have to be able to hold your nerve."

We watched the three recruits loaded into a helicopter being flown by Mr Furious, who apparently had only read the manual that morning on how to fly. His mood was not improved by the news that Blacksmoke had told him that the GC reporters had soiled themselves badly after being woken up and he had to clean it up. This made for a particularly unstable flight skimming across the waves. If that wasn’t bad enough and as a complete surprise to the three Jaws the Wayfarer then proceeded to leap out of the water in an attempt to either catch the new recruits or bring the helicopter down. "We told Furious that Jaws wouldn’t get too close" said Blacksmoke, and then Monkson laughed and said "Yeah, but I told Jaws that Furious had just drunk his last bottle of Penfolds 707, 91".. "You bastard" said Blacksmoke "Oh come on said Monkson, we wanted to liven it up a bit".. With that they disappeared and we made our way back to shore but managed to get a photograph of the training run before Jaws popped his up over the side and invited us in for a swim.

We decided to cut short our visit to the Special Forces training camp but did go into the saloon where we met the rest of the bunch looking very relaxed drinking several of the famous Piers Kazanski special cocktails. "Look out below" we heard as a huge Polar Bear looking respendent in shades apologized to us and then proceeded to ask Ginata just where is Tibet?

It was indeed an honour to be invited in to the training camp, but we felt there was a lot that we didn’t see. Maybe the only way to find out more is to join this bunch. How do you join? Well readers your guess is as good as mine, but apparently it all starts with Wild "Iron Paw" Wombat, if you can get him out of the latrines that is.

"Lost and Confused" writes:

I am wanting to get your thoughts on Empire Hoppers. Each time my Empire gets it's score close to a rival Empire, an Empire Hopper swaps empires and throws the whole Metaverse into chaos and confusion. The state of the Metaverse is held captive to their whims. I am losing sleep and hair. I an't go on like this and fear I am near the end. Surely Empire Hoppers serve no good purpose and are a stain on society.
signed,

Mr. Furious responds:

Dear Lost and Confused,

Thank you for your letter. Yes Empire Hoppers can cause much confusion and angst. But I disagree that they are a bane on society and think that you judge them too harshly. They serve an important and essential purpose in society. In this case, to remind us that we are higher up on the food chain then they are. This is a good thing. Now BUGGER OFF AND STOP BOTHERING ME!

Fond regards,

Mr. Furious.

ARIES March 20-April 19

You want to help another race. Don't. Your habit of flying to the rescue encourages helplessness. It's time someone pulled his own fat out of the fire

TAURUS April 20-May 20

You could backpedal, and sue for peace with your foes. But you swore you'd fight to the end. Though people would forgive your flight, the choice to stay and fight wins their respect.

GEMINI May 21-June 20

The last thing you have time for is a diplomat who calls you primitive and demands endless payments. Nevertheless, hear this person out. What he/she/it says will save you a lot of trouble.

CANCER June 21-July 22

Someone you'd given up on offers a trade. Is this trade good for you? Unlikely. But lighten up. Don't take things so seriously. One of these days, they'll offer just what you need, when you need it.

LEO July 23-August 22

Did you click the wrong button? Or did the situation change when you weren't looking? In any case, you must reorder the build queue on a frontier planet.

VIRGO August 23-September 22

Getting together with that minor isn't going to work out. But it won't always be the case. Promise to keep in touch. You'll be glad you did.

LIBRA September 23-October 22

Fear of making of a mistake could be tripping you up. You don't have to throw caution to the wind, but a lighter foot on the brake helps. Go ahead and trade away that combat tech - just trade it to as many people as possible.

SCORPIO October 23-November 21

Little by little you broaden horizons as you discover aliens you wouldn't normally seek out. Invest in more survey ships - a massive find is just around the corner.

SAGITTARIUS November 22-December 21

Once again you grapple with a thorny financial issue. But now you're prepared. Having taken the time to study construction and maintenance costs pays off.

CAPRICORN December 22-January 19

Ultimately it doesn't matter if you think others are thick. If people don't get it they don't get it. Your
message needs to be clear. Wipe them out - all of them.

AQUARIUS January 20-February 17

You've no choice but to move ahead with an alpha strike. You're winging it on a hope and a prayer. Yet others have achieved victory with less.

PISCES February 18-March 19

A familiar race resurfaces. You might feel uncomfortable talking with them after the war crimes you committed, but don't worry. The point is to touch base with something left behind. Specifically, that tech you forgot to trade for.

Some people would say that here in Special Forces there is no place for the appreciation of good things. Just because Captain Flash is head of Opera Australia does not mean culture is restricted to somebody who runs around with an over active codpiece.

For years I have been collecting wine and would like to introduce to some of Australia’s wines I have come across.

For this issue I have chosen the Sherwood Estate Middle Paddock Chambourcin 2001. A gold medal winner and has had rave reviews such as:

"The Sherwood Estate in particular was divine: I ended up drinking most of it." Killa Koala January 2004.

This particular wine is from the Macleay Valley, a region that was developed by the Cassegrains and this grape variety in particular was chosen to be grown in the region as it suited the maritime climate and rich deposits of limestone in the soil.

The grapes are hand picked in the cool of the early morning and crushed immediately to bring out the full fruit flavours. It is vivid crimson in colour with an intense plumy aroma culminating in a wine full of juicy summery fruit, not dissimilar to a cru Beaujolais. Subtle toasty oak and fine soft tannins round of this wine perfectly making it an excellent choice for a balmy summer evening.

What food should you have with this wine? Why bother with food - just have another bottle instead and then another bottle after that. If after all that you still want something to eat, just ring up your local pizza delivery, you’ll be too pissed to appreciate the wine with food at this stage.

Dear Mr Hurls,

Is it true that a member of Special Forces is actually a former race horse in disguise?

Yours,

Wondering

Dear Wondering,

Well spotted!

[Hurls Mode ON]

The winner of the 1872 Melbourne Cup was The Quack. It won in the time of 3 minutes 39 seconds even, carrying 7 pounds 11 ounces. The jockey was W. Enderson and the trainer, and owner, was Mr John Tait, for whom it was a second Melbourne Cup win in a row, having won in 1871 training The Pearl. Interestingly enough, another Metaverse regular, Contessa, was the unplaced favourite in 1872, at the odds of 4/1 and finished 18th.

[Hurls Mode OFF]

Faithful readers, this week there is a quiz!

Which of the following deaths are actually true?

On the night of March 19 1980, 70-year old Monica Myers went to the Betterton sewerage treatment plant to test for chlorine and sediment. Unfortunately, she slipped on a catwalk, fell into a tank of human waste, and drowned.

Mr. Raymond Priestly of Melbourne Australia was playing snooker in a garage with a friend when he met his doom. He had climbed onto a crossbeam in the ceiling to attempt a trick shot and was hanging upside down by his legs when he slipped. He crashed down on the concrete floor headfirst and later died from brain damage.

A poor man, Thomas Otway (English dramatist) had gone days without food and was driven by hunger to begging. He was given a guinea, bought a roll with it--and choked to death on the first mouthful.

Leonard Warren (U.S. Opera singer) was performing in Verdi's 'La Forza del Destino' on the stage of the Metropolitan Opera in 1960. He had just begun the aria 'O fatal urn of my destiny.' When he reached the word "fatal", he suddenly pitched forward, dead of a heart attack.

Two brothers in Bermuda were killed by the same taxi and driver, carrying the same passenger, while they were riding the same moped on the same street -- but exactly a year apart. Eskine Lawrence Ebbin and his brother Neville were both 17 when they died.

Mr. And Mrs. Mitchell of Brockley green, Fairstead Estate, King's Lynn, were watching their favourite TV comedy, The Goodies. During a scene about a new type of self-defense called "Ecky Thump", Mr. Mitchell was seized by uncontrollable laughter. After a half hour of unrestrained mirth, he suffered a heart attack and died. His wife, Nessie, wrote to The Goodies thanking them for making her husband's last moments so happy.

While lying on his deathbed, Dr. Joseph Green (English surgeon) looked up at his own doctor and said, "Congestion." Then he took his own pulse, reported the single word, "Stopped," and died.

Zeuxis (Greek painter, 5th century B.C.), who laughed so hard at his own painting of an old hag that he broke a blood vessel and died.

Answers in next Ask Hurls column!

A duck goes into a bar and asks the bartender, "You got any fish?"

The bartender says, "No. This is a bar and we don't sell fish" so the duck leaves.

Next day, the duck goes back to the bar and asks, "You got any fish?"

The bartender says, "I told you yesterday this is a bar and we don't sell fish."

The following day, the duck returns and asks, "You got any fish?"

The bartender looses it, grabs the duck by the neck, and screams, "I told you twice. This is a bar. We don't sell fish. If you ask again, I'm going to nail your damn webbed feet to the floor!"

The next day, the duck goes in the bar and asks, "Got any nails?"

The bartender sighs and says," No, we don't have any nails."

The duck says, "Good. Got any fish?"

•A duck walks into a bar and says to the bar tender "I'll have a beer".

The bartender says "Hey! where did you come from?"

The duck says "I'm working the construction site across the street".

And the bartender says, "Well why are you working construction when you could be making millions in the circus?"

And the duck said "What would the circus want with a brick laying duck?"

A Polar Bear goes into a bar and says, "Can I have a bundy and . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .. .. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . coke please?"

The barman serves him and asks, "Why the large pause?"

The Polar Bear says, "Don't know, I've always had them!"

A man was driving down the highway with a car full of penguins. Penguins sticking out the windows, penguins coming out the sunroof, penguins everywhere. A cop pulled him over and told him if he didn't want a ticket he'd better take those penguins straight to the zoo. The man promised he would and drove off. The next day, the same highway, the same car, the same guy, the same cop and the same penguins - only this time the penguins were all wearing sunglasses! The cop pulled the guy over and said, "I thought I told you to take these penguins to the zoo!" "I did" said the guy, "Today I'm taking them to the beach!"

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