In this week’s exciting episode – more TRUTH than you can shake an empty bra at! We give you EE cup truth – not the boring C cup style. After this exclusive edition, you WILL believe a wardrobe can malfunction!!

GC Confidential can now reveal to the Metaverse the TRUTH regarding Altarian Prophecy. Information provided from a confidential and very, very reliable source has revealed that the AP beta released to computer gamers on the website of a small software company is completely bogus. Altarian Prophecy is being designed...as a major motion picture. The so-called computer game is simply a marketing spin-off. As always, the T-shirts will be the sweetest plum.

Auditions are currently being held in a secret location, with Gene Wilder and Vin Diesel already signed to star. Our source, Deep Phlegm, confirmed that Brad Pitt is being approached to play the role of Wild Wombat, Special Forces' emperor. Other cast members reported to be close to signing include:

Frogboy………………………Bill Gates

Ginata………………………..Jennifer Aniston

CariElf………………………..Jeri Ryan

Theoden………………………Ben Affleck

Evil Steve…………………….Steve Irwin

Sirian………………………….Nathan Lane

KarmaGirl…………………….Janet Jackson

T-Man…………………………Justin Timberlake

Spellforce……………………..Charlton Heston

Ray the Wanderer…………..Jackie Chan

Pontius BruinPilot……………Orlando Bloom

KitWarrior…………………….Antonio Banderas

Due to budget constraints, Stardock's planned casting decisions may change before Altarian Prophecy opens. There are rumors that both Roger Moore and Timothy Dalton have been approached to do the voiceovers for Jaws. Likewise, any link to Roy Schneider's claims that the rubber shark model from the original "Jaws" film was stolen from his Oklahoma City trailer park home are unconfirmed at this time.

One casting decision that IS confirmed, however, is Mark Hamill in the role of Arcilte, senior councilor and unofficial spokesman for the Jedi Republic. Hamill proudly displayed the styrofoam "Beldar Conehead" headpiece he picked up at a garage sale that clinched his choice for the role. "This is GREAT!" Hamill exclaimed to our reporter. "I've been doing low-budget sci-fi movies and voiceovers for the animated Batman! This lets me get back to my acting roots! I already know the lingo!" There is apparently no truth to the rumour that Ben Stiller has been slated for the role of Mr. Furious. Hugh Grant was approached to play Muadman who rejected the part saying: "It wasn't because I would have been playing a bumbling fool, I'm used to that, but they said I wouldn't end up scoring with Ginata".

GC Confidential will keep readers up to date with this highly anticipated release – stay tuned!!!

Ask Mr. Furious

Dear Mr. Furious,

Some people call the Metaverse the Masoverse, because Maso games score so much better. I'm feeling inadequate because I don't want to play at maso. I think the maso scoring is totally unfair. What should I do?

- A 'Normal' Gamer

Dear 'Normal' Gamer,

Please following these instructions very carefully and your feelings of inadequacy should evaporate.

1. Open a DOS Prompt.

2. Type 'Delete C:\Galactic Civilizations' - (assuming this is where your copy of Galciv is installed).

3. Launch and play Minesweeper.

4. Be sure to select the Beginner Level.

5. Feel adequate.

Fond regards and best hopes for the future.

Mr. Furious.

ps. When you fail to beat Minesweeper, (and I am confident that you will), please be sure to forward any insecure bleatings to the Mr. Minesweeper column. He is a good friend of mine and lives for that shit. When you write to me it just makes me angry.

______________________________________________________________________

Dear Mr. Furious

Sometime ago Frogboy promised that some of us would get T-shirts for being in the top empires or being one of the top players. Because of this I threw away all my shirts in the anticipation of receiving a brand spanking new piece of apparel from Stardock. As you can imagine walking around without a top on is not much fun and I didn't even get to sing with Justin Timberlake. Where's my T-shirt? I bet T-man has them all…what should I do?

Nipplus Erectus

Dear Nipplus,

Be grateful that Frogboy didn't promise us Official Galactic Civilisation Underpants. Then imagine how embarrassed you would feel. It would be difficult role-playing a tough macho warrior with your tiny wedding tackle wafting gently in the breeze.

Regards

Mr. Furious, SF Fashion Consultant.

_______________________________________________________________________

Dear Mr. Furious,

I was recently involved in a no-holds barred forum battle with a member of another empire. I was armed only with my trusty blade and had bested him in battle. As I was about to celebrate victory, he suddenly used so-called "magical powers" to instantly heal himself. Preposterous!! Then to add insult to magically-healed injury, he claimed to have "summoned a fancy ray gun from thin air", thus stealing victory from me. My question is - how the hell can we be expected to take these skirmishes seriously when these noobs insist on turning the whole thing into a farce? They have no respect for the rules of war and make a mockery of real soldiers such as myself.

Pouting BruinPilot.

Dear Pouting

Nothing, and I mean NOTHING gets Mr. Furious' pulse pounding more then these childish clueless newbies who insist on reducing heroic manly battles into a complete friggin' joke by summoning totally out of character powers from nowhere. I mean, it just completely kills any realism in these totally imaginary battles, don't you think? It's like on Star Trek, when they show the Enterprise firing a phaser - except you can clearly tell the beam originating from a photon torpedo tube. How the hell does that work?! Man, it's like they think it's just a TV show or something. It's that same disrespect for realism. I feel your pain, brother, I feel your pain. Let me tell you, Mr. Furious boycotted a few Trek conventions after that little farce. And I know I was in the right coz I checked Mr. Scott's Enterprise Technical Manual. (A highly recommended read by the way).

Don't despair, fellow warrior. Mr. Furious has a few devious spells of his own that he is willing to share, though please use this with caution as they are highly potent and all-powerful. The next time one of these clueless noobs attempts to invoke out-of-theme powers with no reference to their character, use the Mr. Furious Level 9 Spell Of Reflection.

Raise your arms, stare your opponent fearlessly in the eye and chant:

"I Am Like Rubber.

You Are Like Glue.

What Bounces Of Me.

Sticks To You."

Nine times out of ten, your pathetic opponent will be reduced to a gibbering cowering wreck before this display of other-worldly magic. Victory will be yours and honour restored!

But as I have previously warned, this is a powerful and dangerous incantation. And your opponent may be armed with a similar type of spell - possibly from those evil wizards over at the Fellowship. They'll do anything for a tankard of ale. Instead of being reduced to ashes, he will raise his arms in a similar manner and boldly chant:

"I Know You Are, But What Am I?"

So, think very carefully before following my advice. There is no defense for such dastardly power. The spells are so evenly matched that both opponents will be caught in an infinite loop.

Locked forever in battle either:

a) unto the very end of time itself

a metaverse scoring system is devised that pleases everyone

c) Sirian makes a post consisting of less than 3 sentences.

You will never know peace again. Never be able to leave your computer. Never take another shower. Never go on a date with a girl. Hmmm…come to think of it, you've got nothing to lose really, so I say - Go For It!

Fond regards,

Mr. Furious, Tactical Officer.

It has come to the attention of the Editor that in our last issue, The Quack did not in fact develop the horoscopes that were predicted. It seems these were plagiarised from last week’s "Who Weekly" and a few words changed. Needless to say, this is in direct conflict with the editorial policy of this publication (unless we can get away with it). The Quack has been subjected to extreme discipline...WITH bondage. We are pleased to present genuine Metaverse horoscopes for all major civilisations.

YOR Squishy14 - Yada Yada22

Respect. You don’t have it. Most people think the Yor are upgraded refridgerators. You'll need to get out more. This week, travel is highlighted. Take plenty of ammunition and remember - go in fast, go down hard. Oh...and take a spare set of batteries.

ALTARIAN YadaYada23 - Lolapalooza 19

Your civilisation's emblem is being usurped by a small software company in Michigan. Seek out one William Gates III; have him purchase this company. Start by assimilating the Frogboy person, the rest should follow easily. Let us see how these puny gamers respond when confronted by Critical Patch Update Notification 4.91! Your week will end much better than it started.

DRENGIN Lolapalooza 20 - Shwartz13

You will kill everything in your path without mercy or exception. What, you thought it would be different to last month?

ARCEAN Shwartz14 - Mukluk29

A tall dark stranger will enter your life on or about Mukluk12. The only problem is - they will be holding a disintegrator ray. You're going to have a bad day. A very bad day. Don't say we didn't warn you. Quickly develop a social circle consisting only of short people. Start by moving to Canada.

TORIAN Mukluk30 - Squishy13

Unfortunately, you look like a frog, for reasons that have always escaped the rest of the Metaverse. It's tough to write something cheerful about creatures that look like frogs. *sigh*...OK...look - it's going to be wet this month. OK?

Dear Mister Hurley,

In a discussion last night my good curate friend pontificated that the crossbow had actually been banned by one of the popes except as a weapon against the accursed infidel. In your erudite manner could you please cast some illumination upon this matter.

Yours faithfully,

William of Occam

Dear William,

Thank you for you correspondence.

[Hurls Mode ON]

Your friend is, unfortunately, not correct.

The crossbow was banned, unless against the infidel, a very loose grouping of peoples including various heretical organisations & communities, by the Second Lateran Council in 1139 AD. (For more detail on the wording, "Artem autem illam mortiferam et Deo odibilem ballistariorum et sagittariorum adversus Christianos et Catholicos exerceri de cetero sub anathemate prohibemus." J. D. Mansi, Sacrorum conciliorum nova et amplissima collectio (Venice, 1776), 21: 533)

The Second Lateran Council was presided over by Pope Innocent II, one of several 'popes' at the time, and the decree was from the council not by the Pope. (There were many other interesting canons and decrees from the council but I digress.)

[Hurls Mode OFF]

I trust this clarifies the matter.

Answer to last week’s puzzle: ALL the reported deaths ACTUALLY HAPPENED!

In this SECRET PHOTO, CypherPax of the Special Forces (seated) is shown moments before being notified that operatives were being mobilised for a new operation. Mrs. Pax (right) appears upset at the messenger bringing the news. The bear in the background is unidentified (possibly a personal servant or resort employee).

Corvette w/stealth, excellent condition, 499 bc, janesmith@gross.com.dm

9500 Micro Repair Bots, reprogramming needed, 2130 bc, scavenger@tradegoods.com.tor

Terror Star 30% complete w/shield kit & morale resource, 6499 bc, darkforce@blacklist.org.drg

Replication Technology, 14000 bc or tech exchange, moremore@waltz.org.anz

20 Million Expendable Shock Troopers, 21700 bc + 1 bc/Drengin squad, minor_emp@pinksector.gov.car

Senator Tortured for 1 month, any means you specify, 19250 bc, black_cape@evilnet.org.ee

Capital Ship Sabotage, any size any sector, 4999bc bc + expenses, raidparty@forhire.com.sf

Emperors Eliminated, 100% guaranteed satisfaction, 30499 bc, spaceape@mercenary.net.drg

Forum Moderation, unsympathetic insomniac preferred, 50 bc/deleted thread, pissed_off@bluespace.org.alt

Termination of Furry Stalker, 200 bc + 500 bc for gruesome demise, anonymous77@cefc.org.swo

Female winged Martzian seeking flightless male Martzain with good nesting skills, winger7@airmail.com.mz

00110110 11010101 00101001 10011011 11011110 00100100 11011101 00111011 00111110 11011101 00110111 01001110 11001111, empty_drive@database.gov.yor

Furry critter seeking divine computer programmer, sweets and caffeine to offer, secret_admirer@pegasus.net.sf

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